We need to have a little heart-to-fart talk

I have to get this out, because it’s causing an intense pain in my gut.

BOYS:  If you ever want us to find you sexy ever again, please don’t subject us to the toxic gaseous contents of your lower digestive tract. 

Yeah. No. We don’t love you unconditionally.

I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t complain about dudes farting.  Oh sure, your girlfriend might be a good sport in front of you, but secretly she hates your guts.  Literally.

Women spend hours a day ... HOURS ... agonizing over what we eat, what we can’t eat, how our butt looks, how soft our feet are, how silky our hair is, and that we only have hair in all the right places.  And, for special occasions, we even have it brutally ripped out to form a cute heart-shape so you'll think we're super-funsies.

The least you can do is clench your butt cheeks another 47 seconds until a commercial break, then walk 8.34 feet to the bathroom.    

I rolled my eyes at a male roommate once, when he cut one in front of me and he exclaimed “What??? Do you want me to be in pain? Do you want me to DIE???” 

No, you drama queen, I don’t want you to die.  But I also am fairly certain there isn’t any page in the Great Big Book of Gastro-Intestinal Medicine that says “In case of gas, pull a blanket over the head of a beautiful woman and poison her with the noxious emissions from your rectum.”

We know all the guy manuals have you convinced it’s an aphrodisiac, so we just wanted to clear the air and let you know that’s an urban legend.  It makes us not want to make out with you. 

FYI:  If we fart in front of you, it’s an ACCIDENT and we are mortified.   
Or we’re sleeping with your best friend and don’t care what you think anymore.